Confrontation With Despair

despair: (N) the complete loss or absence of hope; (V) lose or be without hope.

"What can people do when they meet despair?"*

It's raining outside. It has been raining for the last few days. I move myself to the window. Hmm, the weather is going colder. I stand there, watching everything happens outside from inside my room. I need a distraction. I need to think about something else.

I lay my head on the big window glass. It's cold, my breath is making hazes on the window glass.
Don't you know how fragile I could be?

Everything's so blurry outside. How can I think about anything? The only sound I hear is the raindrops, it just keeps falling to the ground. So let' talk about the rain. Oh, how I love the smell of the ground after the rain has just already gone. Or how I love playing outside under the rain, looking for rainbows when I was child.
I keep getting thoughts into my mind. But I can't. My lips are trembling. My hands are trembling as well too. One of them still holds my cell phone. It shows words, words from you...
...I just stop, I stop loving you...

I read it once again. It still looks the same. It doesn't even change a little word like I hope it would: I stop loving him... But of course, it is my imagination. Because nothing changes.

That moment, a tear drops to the screen of my cell phone. It surprises me: am I crying? Another tear drops, and I just can't stop it. They just come out somewhere from inside your eyes. Hey you, Homunculus inside of me, what are you trying to do? Forcing me to cry again??

I almost forget this sensation, the time when you feel like life is so cruel because a very bad bad thing happens to you and there is nothing you can do to change it. You pray to God to change it, but He always pretends that He doesn't listen, so nothing happens. And then, all you can do is cry.
I'm thanking you for this emotional feeling, feeling of being hurt because of losing someone.

The same feeling when I lost my sister. She died painfully besides me on a car crash. It was raining too back then. The streets were slippery. Our car crashed. I, sat on the driver's seat, was a little unconscious that night. I just saw her indistinct image sat there without making any single move.

That moment, a tear drops on my bloody face. I was terrified with the thoughts of losing her. And suddenly, all the tears just fell out from my eyes. I cried heavily. I didn't stop crying when I was sitting in the corridor with the bandages wrapped on my head, waiting for my parents with my brothers to come. I still cry at her funeral. It was raining too back then. She was fourteen when she died, she should have been eighteen this month.
It was the time when I felt so bad, and I pray hard to God to bring her to life again. But God always pretending not to listen, He did do nothing.

Since then, I never want to drive a car again. Sometimes, my body's trembling hardly enough even I can't stop it when I sit on the driver's seat.
Since then, I never cry again. It useless I think, nothing happens although you will feel better.

But now, you give me the same old melancholy sensation. It doesn't embarrassing really for me to cry for you. Sometimes people can't act strong anymore. They just need themselves to unleash their emotions. So they cry. So I cry.

And if you feel like you've done something really bad and awfully terrible, and you're sorry for it, and there's nothing you could do to change it, just go crying and you'll feel better.
Well, at least I think you will..




* quote is taken from the 20th Century Boy comic. I forget the exact edition, but I think it's on volume 14.