10 hal yang gua rasa harus gua lakukan saat ini:

1. Reorganizing life

2. Menghentikan sindrom bolos kuliah

3. Berhenti merokok

4. Tidur

5. Belajar dengan rajin (rajin pangkal pandai!!!)

6. Berhenti mikirin cewe, dia sih (males ah...)

7. Bersikap dewasa kalo sudah menyangkut masalah hati

8. Maen game Final Fantasy VII di PS1!

9. Tidur

10. Mengurangi kadar main monopoli (produktif!!!)

Tapi semuanya itu lagi-lagi hilang begitu saja karena sindrom rutin yang selalu bisa saja berhasil mengacaukan mood, sindrom sialan yang bernama “MALAS” itu...

...kenapa gua mau-maunya makan sama lo lagi ya?

Hmmm...

Gua kira gua sudah siap dan bakal dan akan menghindari lo untuk seterusnya.
Tapi kok tadi gua malah akhirnya mengiyakan tawaran lo makan ya?

Hmmm...

Tapi kalo dipikirin juga, buat apa gua menghindar dari lo?

Sebaiknya gua memang nggak usah pake hati kali ya, seperti saran gua ke seorang adik baru-baru ini.
Tapi kok malah kena ke gua sendiri ya?

Hmmm...

Haha, sudahlah, nggak usah dipikirin berlarut-larut.
Anggap saja salah satu proses pendewasaan hati... = P

Lagu ini adalah lagu Fix You keempat kalinya yang saya dengar sore ini.

Yang pertama waktu di LFM sore tadi, ketika hujan baru mulai turun.

Yang kedua di radio, ketika lagi di jalan pulang sehabis mahgrib tadi.

Hujan saat itu, kepala saya bersandar di jendela mobil, memperhatikan embun yang terjadi karena uap yang keluar dari bibir sendiri, sewaktu bibir saya menyanyikan lagu ini dengan lirih, sementara kepala saya mulai berpikir:

Kenapa lagu ini bisa bagus sekali?

Memang saya sudah jatuh cinta pada pendengaran pertama sejak album ini sudah keluar. Saya heran kenapa Speed Of Sound yang jadi single pertama mereka.

Yang ketiga, di radio yang berbeda, ketika saya sudah hampir sampai rumah.
Hujan masih turun, walaupun tidak sederas tadi.

Ah, nuansa melankoli lagi-lagi. Kok tiba-tiba saya jadi teringat kamu ya?

Brengsek...

Dan yang keempat, ketika menggunakan komputer untuk menuliskan tiga kejadian barusan, winamp secara random mendengarkan lagi-lagi lagu Fix You, dan genaplah sudah lagu itu saya dengarkan empat kali.

Dan hujan bertambah deras di luar, jadinya saya kencangkan volumenya sampai maksimal, sambil bernyanyi-nyanyi di dalam kamar.

Tapi sementara saya menulis ini, lagu Fix You-nya Coldplay sudah habis dan kemudian secara acak dan berurutan digantikan lagu Endlessly-nya Muse, Under The Gun-nya The Killers, dan We Will Become Silhouettes-nya Postal Service tepat ketika saya menulis ini.

Dan saya sedang menebak-nebak lagu berikutnya.

Sebentar, masih deg-degan. Sebentar lagi lagu Postal Service itu selesai, lagi fade out.

Haha, ternyata eh ternyata lagu apa?

How To Be Dead-nya Snow Patrol.

Lngkaplah suasana melankoli malam ini. Empat lagu Fix You dan lagu-lagu berikutnya telah membuat mood saya malam ini menjadi mellow. Plus backsound hujan yang masih kedengaran juga dari luar jendela.

Kebetulan seperti apa ini?

Youre the one who doing this right, God?
Are You trying to test me?
To give a certain condition to someone who hates that certain condition, and see his reactions?
Is this some kind of game to You?

Apakah hal ini berarti saya harus bergalau-galau ria lagi?

Tidak, saya tidak mau.

Untung nanti ada tayangan sepakbola Liga Inggris di tv. Ya paling nggak ada sedikit distractionlah dari malam yang semakin menghanyutkan ini.

And I begin to think...

no,

I dont wanna think about you,
again...

...so, God, could you please be more cooperative with me next time?

Ini gara2 perbincangan dengan seorang teman, yang agak telmi sebenarnya..

Teman : Eh, mau cabut kemana lo?

Gua : Mau online di labkom, ngupdate blog sebentar..

Teman : Blok? Apaan tuh blok?

Gua : (mikir sebentar) ...lo ga tau blog?

Teman : Emang itu apaan?

Gua : Mmmm... anggap aja semacam diary yang lo taro di internet.

Teman : Diary?

Gua : Ya, nggak diary2 amat sih, jurnal harian gitulah, atau tulisan apapun yang lo pgn taro di internet biar banyak orang yang bisa baca.

Teman : Kok lo pengen catatan harian lo dibaca orang lain sih?

Gua : Kan nggak semua orang introvert kaya lo. Malah ada banyak orang yang eksebisionis dan mau sok mengekspose diri mereka ke orang lain.

Teman : Emang lo orangnya kaya gitu juga?

Gua : Ya... nggak juga sih, walaupun gua bisa dibilang kaya gitu juga.

Teman : Jadi buat apa lo bikin blok?

Gua : (mikir lagi sebentar) ... ah, tau ah, ga bakal selesai ngomong sama lo. Gua cabut dulu ya!

Perbincangan yang sederhana bersama seorang teman gua yang telmi itu dan entah kapan habisnya kalo gua nggak beranjak dari situ juga bikin gua jadi mikir sambil jalan ke lab komputer.

Buat apa sih sebenarnya gua bikin blog?

Apakah gua adalah seorang eksibisonis seperti orang-orang yang gua katakan ke teman gua?

Apakah gua hanya seorang yang kesepian maka gua kabur mencari pelarian dan membina persahabatan dunia maya?

Atau apakah gua hanya mencoba eksis di tengah-tengah dunia, walaupun (lagi-lagi) itu dunia maya?

Et blogo ergo sum?

Aku nge-blog, maka aku... ADA?

Untuk mendapat pengakuan eksistensi dari para blogger lain?

Terus apa yang selama ini gua tulis merefleksikan diri gua? Diri gua yang sebenar-benarnya?

Ah, itu kan pikiran mereka saja.

Haha, Im a big liar afterall...

Karena tulisan gua makin lama semakin ga penting - well, dulu memang ga penting juga sih, tapi paling nggak tidak lebih nggak penting lagi (its a preventive thing)), maka gua memutuskan untuk sedikit berkontemplasi dan mencurahkan perhatian pada sebuah blog baru yang berisi cerita-cerita fantasi dan imajinasi yang ingin keluar dari dalam diri sendiri.

Hohoho.

It's my project. My secret project. Tyler called his secret project The Mayhem Project. What should I call mine?

Hmmm.....

" Never believe a woman who's falling in love,

they tend to tell lies..."

End.

Ah t*i,
tulisan ga mutu!
Bodo amat ah...

Hari Sabtu kemarin lo nggak ada disana.
Gua pingin ketemu lo.
Gua mau ngomong sama lo.
Gua mau bagi semua perasaan yang gua pendam ini,
dan gua nggak tau gua harus berbicara ke siapa lagi selain lo.

Jadi gua akhirnya memutuskan untuk meng-sms lo,
gua mau ngajak lo ketemu saat itu juga.
Tapi tiba-tiba hujan turun dengan derasnya.
Iya, tiba-tiba hujan turun dengan derasnya.
...monyet, kenapa tiba-tiba turun hujan dengan derasnya?

Gua keluar. Duduk di bangku kayu tepat di bawah tritisan atap.
Hujan benar turun, dengan derasnya.
Jadinya gua cuma duduk sambil bersandar ke dinding.
Ngeliatin ujan kaya orang bego. Sambil mikirin lo.
Kayanya Tuhan emang ga mau ga berhubungan sama lo.

...

Oh God, its easier if You just throw a lightning to strike me now...
but You dont want to, do You?

Jadi, masa-masa melancholy and the infinite sadness gua dimulai seminggu lalu.
Waktu gua tau kalo gua udah ga bisa deketin dia lagi.
Masalahnya karena beda.
Beda apa?
Agama.
Agama?
Yeah, that shitty thing.

Again.

Bukannya agama adalah salah satu jalan lo menjadi seperti Tuhan ya? Men-tuhan-kan sifat dan kepribadian lo? Membuat lo berusaha menjadi sempurna kaya Tuhan?

Terus kenapa dengan berkomitmen dengan orang yang beda agama?

Ah, dasar paradigma masyarakat monyet!
Padahal sebenarnya nggak ada hubungannya antara lo berkomitmen dengan seseorang dengan agama orang itu bukan?
Agama adalah hubungan personal lo dengan Tuhan lo, kenapa harus pusing dengan agama orang lain?

But she thinks its an important issue.
Oh, fuck...

....

God, just tell me what You want me to do..

...youre my moonflower...

I said it in a simple words, but with a heart full of desire to have you.

But then you said to me,

...Im sorry, but youre my sky, my endless sky...

You said Im your sky, your endless sky.

...what if I dont want to be your sky?

Do you think I could stand still right overthere, watching you without never could reach you?

To touch your skin is my only passion, to hear the wind whispering your name is my only dream!

Frailtiness, anger, hate, and regret, all came to me in a single second.

Only one question left in my mind:

why?

Oh, cant you see how I want you so faultily?

I remembered it clearly. That night, rain fell down from the sky.

I was sitting on the sofa at the corner, watching the street in front of the cafe. Not many cars went on this road so far; I only counted 7 for the late 7 minutes.

The door was opened. It made a shrieking sound. I turn around to see who were coming in.

Some men in their black coat went in. Oh, its Johnny, Thom, Colin, Ed, and Phil. Their coats were wet. Actually, they were wet. The beret-shaped-like-hat couldnt protect Thoms half-bald head from soaking. Phil wear khakis parachute jacket which was also as wet as his jeans. Ed is the worst; water was dripping from all over his clothes.

They came inside and put their coat on the hanger besides the door.

I called them. But they didnt seem to notice me sitting at the corner. The rain must be made my sound heard vaguely. It created a raucous sound that made you could hear the song played on the jukebox indistinctly.

They took a sit at the couch near the entrance. The seats werent full, though.

Later they called the waitress and ordered some croissants and coffee, I guess. Its Thoms favorite.

Oh well, it seems that you’re all alone now, thats what came up to my mind.

This rain brought me back old memories. It gave me sort of lonely feeling. Or is it maybe just because I was sitting alone on that leather couch?

I stared at a girl who is sitting in front of me; she loves watching the rain very much. Every time the rain falls out from nowhere, she comes here and sitting in front of me, at the second table from the corner. Then she just sitting there and watching the rain, its like she can tell the difference between every single drops of the rain. After the rain has gone, she goes outside and smells the scent of the ground after the rain. And every time she has done that odd thing, she lifts her head up and smiles to the sky, before actually leaves the café completely.

Once, I asked her,

Do you like it?

She took a glance at me, but then continued to look outside again,

The rain? …I love it.

I looked at her. She had some odd and mysterious kind of look; it just gave me the chill.

How about you? she asked.

…what? …me? I replied.

Yes, you. Do you like it?

I turn my head around so that I could see the raindrops on the window besides me.

It took me a moment until I answered again,

No, I dont have personal feelings against it. Neither I love it nor do I hate it.

Well, she continued, you should love it. Imagine if someone you loved send this rain to you as a prove that she still love you.

Is it your reason?

…no, I have my own reason.

After that, she didnt talk again. It was hard to tell the expression of his face. She was a bit gloomy, but I think she was contented after all.

The rain stopped a few minutes later.

She took some cash from his purse and went outside without saying anything.

She smelled the scent of the ground beneath her feet, and then gave a smile to the sky like all of the after-rain-ritual she always does.

Excuse me, Sir, were closing.

The waitress had come to my table. I look at the clock hanging on the wall, it’s 2 in the morning. I hadnt noticed that I was the only one left there. Johnny has gone. Colin, Ed, Thom, and Phil had left the café too. Half of the lights were already off.

I looked outside. The girl was already gone.

I took some cash from my wallet and put it besides the mug.

Then I walk outside, in a cold autumn breeze. It just gave me the chill.

So I went back home, to you, where I belong..

Disable to continue, I decide to stop.

My feet tired. They doesnt want to walk any further.

I look around. There is nothing but emptiness.

Empty is my mind. Empty is my heart.

I need to share this solitude to someone.

Where are you, my other self?

Come and try read my mind...

A Minute Before Midnight

The actress screams. I sleep on the couch. They begin to cry. I hardly look up. My fingers pressing red button. They disappear completely. Darkness covers me.

Cough, cough. I still sleep on the couch. My left eyes opens. I press the button. Tyler punches him. The parking lot is empty. They fight at each other. Dog barks. Women moans. I move my head aside.

Tick, tock. I remain on the couch. Clock ticks. Silence kills. Shots from distance. I hear an ambulance. Night is docile.

Solitude is easy. The district sleeps alone. I need a remedy. You need a phone. Bedroom spills the foreground. A hurricane pass by. I still can see your eye.

I step the stairs. You sleep on the couch. Walls stumble. I trip off. You dream. I paint the sky. Night in your eye. Easy to choose. Something to lose.

Good night everyone...